Seriously.

So we got May all set up with entertainment and got ready to take inventory of everything we needed to do to the house to make it liveable. But I digress..
Our first job was to get the damn dog out from underneath the house. We just so happened to have a 230 lb. bag of dog food handy, and proceeded to attempt to coax Amanda Jane (named after my auntie's old german shepherd) out from the bowels of our new home. God was SO looking out for us. For as I sustained wasp attacks trying to bribe the dog out, a one legged, human emphsema and her special ed son came hobbling through the tall grass of the empty lot next to ours to introduce themselves. Sweet.

So these people whose names I forgot to remember sort of on purpose proceeded to give us the low down on all of our neighbors. Apparently the people living next to us were currently in prison for domestic terrorism for being members of the Aryan Nation. Good thing I'm totally cracker white and so is my entire family. And, the neighbors across from us 'do drugs.' Better steer clear of those Advil popping sons of bitches. We all know how those kind of people are. Additionally, the entire neighborhood has called Codes Enforcement on these geniuses about 900 times as a collective effort to get them to clean up their Coke can littered, mysterious steel parts decorated yard.

So not only are these the most informative people ever, they're also the most helpful. The son works in demolitions. And by demolitions, I mean he steals copper wiring off of other people's outside A/C units and turns in Coke cans for $$. And omg..he's also...



an animal expert!! yaaay!
Upon seeing me rolling around in the dirt acting all kinds of a fool trying to get the handicapped dog out, Bubba decided to intervene. He directs his mother to go get his 'bad' shirt as he doesn't want to ruin his 'good' shirt which has a huge Confederate flag on it with the words 'Hell Yeah I'm a Redneck!' smartly silkscreened across the front. makes sense.

So the mother hobbles off on her steel support and returns with a dirtier version of the same shirt and dude proceeds to haul Amanda out from under the house and bless her heart.... she's hugely pregnant and super duper sweet and we're so happy she decided to hang around to protect our home.



So the Hatfields continue to blah blah talk about blah blah whatever until Maria ran off to play with her new doggie friend and thank god finally, Lung Cancer McFakeleg and her genius son wobbled off into the sunset.

The Truth About the House

As much shit as I've talked about this place, it probably sounds like a horrendous place to live. But in all seriousness, it's beautiful. There are nice houses with character and huge open fields with wildflowers and deer and butterflies and the lake is two seconds from the porch. The town is a great place and the schools are excellent. Our family is very, very blessed to have found such an awesome place.

That said and moving right along,

this house needs serious help.

Our first job is to rip out the carpets and nail down 3'4" inch plywood through the entirety of the house. Nada big deal. Plywood is about $20.00 a sheet +/- . All mobile homes tend to have subflooring made out of cheap particle board that rots when exposed to moisture. This stated, if you're not familiar with how mobile homes work, it's probably horrifying to hear that I actually bought a house with big holes in the floor. But this is a problem typical to mobile homes.

*update

I've just been given enough flooring to do our entire house,

so..that's pretty excellent. I'll be posting the pictures of before and after
and during so you can see how EASY it is DIY your own effing floors. It should comfort you that I've never done anything remotely like this, have no idea how, and am getting it done via advice and instruction from others. So, if I can do it ...
ANYONE CAN!

Our very next problem is that the bedrooms are painted in varying shades of diarrhea. Habitat for Humanity to the Rescue!!!! If you've never heard of Habitat ReStore, it's a place where Habitat for Humanity sells all of their donated surplus home building stuffs. We bought three gallons of white paint for $8.00/can while we were there. So it's going to cost us about $30.00 to paint two bedrooms. If you haven't been there, this place is the shizz and seriously, it's time for you to make a lil trip over yonder next time you're on a serious budget like ours, (which is about umm, $200.00 or so) and you need to get some crap done around the house. It's definitely worth it.

Next weekend we'll have these two issues dealt with in order that we can move in as we kind of need to get settled ASAP.

The very next issue to tackle will be the wiring. Mobile home wiring should not be aluminum as it can arc, which will cause your house to burn up in about 34 seconds and your whole family to die. sad times. Before about 1980 or so, aluminum wiring was the standard until Romex came to town. Thankfully, our home was built in 1985 and does indeed, make use of Romex. The problem is that it still needs to be rewired and have all of the electrical outlets replaced.

If you're a fellow trash house fixer upper, you're probably wondering how to get this done. Simple! Do what I did and fall in love with an electrician! Because thankfully, my d00d's going to draw a circuit, put in new electrical outlets and wiring which is $200/1000 ft. and install separate circuits for my computer which I know nothing about nor do I care to. Electricity is boring. I have no need to care about it.

Seriously, this is one of the very few things about this kind of work that is
NOT DIY! I REPEAT, YOU CANNOT DIY!
You can try to, but your City Codes people will kick your ass and take your house away and fine you and destroy your life. And if that doesn't happen, the least of the problems you'll face as a result is that you won't be able to renew your home owner's insurance. This stated, make sure you have a licensed electrician come out and handle the bidness for you.

There's all kinds of other problems with this joint like the fact that highly economical individual that lived in it before us left 22 bottles (wtf?) of calamine in the bathroom cabinet. And the bitch ass wasps that look like something out of a Japanese horror movie. Overall I think, the work's going to kick our asses. Nevertheless, excitement abounds. yay!

And So We Endeavor...

One day two weeks ago, I was at work and received a call from my d00d regarding a notice on the front door of my apartment. It seemed that the management of our apartment complex had chosen us as one of the lucky winners of a free apartment inspection the very next morning. Additionally, at no extra charge, we'd also simultaneously be receiving a free bug spray of the entire apartment. Apparently roaches are breeding in my dishwasher. yummehz.

So I asked my boss if I could go home and commence to detox the hole that we call home in order for my place to be ready for inspection the following morning. He said 'sh0re!' and so I went home and scrubbed for 6 hours.

The next day, my boss came into my office with a printout of a Deliverance movie poster with photos of a single wide on a lil lot by the lake. Yesssssssssss! As a little girl, I fantasized about living in a 22 year old mobile home with half the back skirt ripped off, holes in the floor and a three legged dog living underneath of it. I was crazy excited.

The next day, I called the owner who just so happened to be the nicest truck driver ever. He apparently loved my voice and this, coupled with the fact that the house needed 2038423084 dollars worth of repairs prompted him to give me no down payment and the first month free if I decided to move in.

Dudes, I was so there. The next night, we drove through shit ass Dallas gridlock traffic in blinding rain with one windshield wiper working to a dirt road off of a dirt road on a dirt road to the place on the lake.

We all jumped out and Maria waited on the rickety, slippery, untreated porch, as I ran around the perimeter of the yard screaming that 'A THREEE LEGGED DOG IS CHAAAASING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!' and that's when I knew..

We were home.